Humor Quotes
Bill Watterson
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Suzanne Collins
Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.
HUMOR
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Bette Midler
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
Becca Fitzpatrick
You possess other people's...bodies."He accepted that statement with a nod."Do you want to possess my body?""I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.
Cassandra Clare
So when the moon's only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?" "You could say that.""Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.""I'm a werewolf, not a golden retriever.
HUMOR
David Foster Wallace
Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?""I give.""You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
Lewis Carroll
Curiouser and curiouser.
Kami Garcia
You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
Orson Welles
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Kurt Cobain
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Lenny Bruce
There are never enough 'I love you's.
Suzanne Collins
It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.""Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-
HUMOR
Dorothy Parker
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Rick Riordan
Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!
Jess C. Scott
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?
Neil Gaiman
He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did was put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of Crowley. In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. "Say goodbye to your friend," he'd say to them. "He just couldn't cut it. . . " Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat. The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified.
HUMOR
Bill Watterson
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
Cassandra Clare
Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.""You noticed," said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.
Lena Dunham
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
Marissa Meyer
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back.""You're kidding, right?"He shrugged. "You have no proof either."She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?""Maybe."An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
Shel Silverstein
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.
Heather Dixon
He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.''Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you actually do it. If you want to break all the windows in the house and drown yourself in a bucket but don't actually do it, well, that's love.
Salvador Dalí
Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.
George Carlin
It's never just a game when you're winning.
HUMOR
Marissa Meyer
She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. So, she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance.Who would win in a fight—you or a pack of wolves?He frowned at her, all seriousness. Depends, he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. How big is the pack?I don’t know, what’s normal? Six?I could win against six, he said. Any more than that and it could be a close call.Scarlet smirked. You’re not in danger of low self-esteem, at least.What do you mean?Nothing at all. She kicked a stone from their path. How about you and … a lion?A cat? Don’t insult me.She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. How about a bear?Why, do you see one out there?Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you.The smile she’d been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. I’m not sure. I’ve never had to fight a bear before.
Michael Thomas Ford
I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking," I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is," Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain," I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy," she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?
Philip K. Dick
No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, Ouch. What in the hell was that for? Your timing sucks on an epic level, Daemon shot back.
Will Smith
We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.
Gerard Way
Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off
Dan Wells
I've been clinically diagnosed with sociopathy,' I said. 'Do you know what that means?''It means you're a freak,' he said.'It means that you're about as important to me as a cardboard box,' I said. 'You're just a thing - a piece of garbage that no one's thrown away yet. Is that what you want me to say?''Shut up,' said Rob. He was still acting tough, but I could see his bluster was starting to fail. He didn't know what to say.'The thing about boxes,' I said, 'is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.
Laurell K. Hamilton
I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.
HUMOR
Oscar Wilde
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Muriel Spark
For those who like that sort of thing," said Miss Brodie in her best Edinburgh voice, "That is the sort of thing they like.
George Burns
Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.
Prem Rawat
We think a wise person is someone who solves problems. Truth is, a wise person is someone who avoids problems.
Shel Silverstein
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.
Scott Dikkers
Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
Colleen Houck
Why, aren’t you just about as sweet as syrup on a sundae? I sure would appreciate that, ma’am. He winked. How’d you like ta stroll the deck of this fine ship with me and watch the sunset? I need a purty girl to put her arm around me and steady this bow-legged cowboy as he finds his sea legs. I raised an eyebrow and affected a southern accent. Why, I think you’re a pullin’ my leg there, Texas. You’ve had your sea legs a lot longer than I have. He rubbed the stubble on his face. You might be right at that. Well then, how about you taggin’ along to keep me warm? It’s about eighty degrees. Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer a while longer.
Katie MacAlister
Are you threatening me? He looked completely outraged at such a thing.You bet your incredibly attractive and probably hard enough to bounce a quarter off ass I am! she snapped back.An indescribable look flitted across his face. You are the most irreverent woman I’ve ever met.And you’re the handsomest man I’ve ever seen in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to lick you! she yelled.
Lisa Sanchez
All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and juicy! Just how you like ‘em!
Julia Quinn
Not that I knew who you were until last month. But now that I've got you, I'm not letting you go.""You're not?"Blake stared at her in irritated confusion. What was her game? "Do you think I'm an idiot?" he spat out."No," she said. "I've just escaped from a den of idiots, so I'm well familiar with the breed, and you're something else entirely. I am, however, hoping you're not a terribly good shot.
Anne Stuart
I hate to tell you, dragon, but that's an integral part of the whole usiness," he whispered. "If you're afraid to touch me then we're not going to get very far."She lifted her head to look at him. "I thought I could lie back and let you ravish me," she said with complete honesty.He shook his head, the smile hovering around his lips, his eyes intent. "This is a cooperative effort, my love. You have to do your part.
R.L. Mathewson
Her hands shot up. See that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you’re fixing me. I’m not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that. You drool. What? That caught her off guard. When you’re asleep you drool. I’ve woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest. After a thought he added. And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you. I do not! Her face colored with indignation. He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night’s sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they’d say that.
Julia Quinn
Thank you, she whispered, sending up a quick prayer for his continued recovery.You’re welcome, Marcus murmured.Honoria let out a little shriek of surprise, jumping back nearly a foot.Sorry, he said, but he was laughing.It was quite the loveliest sound Honoria had ever heard.I wasn’t thanking you, she said pertly.I know. He smiled
Donna MacMeans
Nicholas: I know you, brother. You've been threatened with matrimonial pursuits before. Why are you really here?William: I received an invitation.Nicholas: Not from me you didn't.William: Of course not from you, brother. Parliament would go up in flames before I receive a social invitation from you.
Suzanne Enoch
Everton" (Francis)Alex turned his head to view a rainbow peacock mask bobbing toward him. "Good Lord, Francis, you are replendent," he said admiringly.The peacock stopped beside him. "Dash it, Everton, how'd you know it was me?"You're still wearing your faux ruby ring.
Sarah Mayberry
I'm not too heavy?" she asked. He had just come off crutches, after all.Sophie, you're practically a midget," he reminded her.
Gina Robinson
Men were just plain ridiculous with how little time it took them to get handsome.